By Dr. Tom Jefferys
The highest level of intelligence could be considered to be the capacity to observe yourself. Most
men believe that intelligence is having a high IQ, great memory or quick problem-solving. All of
these things count. However, they all count for very little compared to determining how much a
man will grow. The least common, but possibly the most vital type of intelligence is called
metacognition, which is the ability to think about your own thinking. In plain language, it is the
ability to step back and observe what is happening inside you while it is happening. This
provides a huge distinction between:
- Protecting yourself and developing curiosity about the issue.
- Taking part in the exact same patterns or recognizing the pattern as it develops.
- Reacting automatically instead of pausing to ask, ‘Why am I reacting this way?’
Metacognition makes an enormous difference.
Some men operate using autopilot. Most men drive through their lives with cruise control still set
from beliefs from years ago. Someone says to him, “I feel like you’re not listening.” He instantly
reacts defensively. His chest tightens. His jaws clench. A familiar idea comes into mind: “No
matter what I do, I’m never going to be good enough.” Before he knows it, he withdraws, gets
louder, or walks away. Afterward, he claims, “I don’t understand what happened.” Something did
occur, however. An old emotional programming was activated. The current moment brought out
a belief formed many years earlier.
Here is an example of how a moment of development can occur. Consider a different response.
Someone different tells him the same thing, “I feel like you’re not listening.” He experiences the
identical tightening in his chest. He feels the idea of: “I am being judged.” However, unlike his
previous automatic responses, he pauses to ask himself: “Why did that trigger me so much?”
This internal questioning or reviewing is where metacognition starts. He is no longer totally
consumed by his reaction. Instead, he is watching it. Looking to respond instead of react. And
when a male can view a pattern, then he is no longer completely under its control.
So, what’s going on in the brain? Studies indicate that self-observing activates the anterior
prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain connected to observation, assessment, and taking
perspective). Simply stated, the brain begins to assess itself. A helpful analogy is a computer
capable of writing its own software while operating. For most individuals, there is nothing wrong
with executing older programs automatically. Metacognition enables men to write the code for
themselves.
How does this show up in therapy? In group therapy, a man might share, “When he challenged
me, I got angry.” At first, that seems like a description of an occurrence. But then he pauses,
thinks, and reviews, and says, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t just get angry. I felt ashamed, and I
believed he had exposed my shame.” That moment is significant. He has gone from pointing
blame at the other person to identifying his internal process. The reaction is no longer
mysterious. It is understandable. What can be recognized can be altered. Another important
aspect of how this shows up in therapy is that everyone has a story that informs their responses.
Everyone has different stories that drive their responses or reactions. However, the most
important thing is what emotions drive their story. Men can find connections with each other
through common and shared feelings.
Why most men don’t want to do this. Metacognition is unpleasant. It necessitates a man to watch
himself truthfully. He needs to realize:
- How fast he becomes defensive,
- How frequently he evades vulnerability,
- The number of times he uses the same narrative,
- How his ego defends his old beliefs.
For many men, it would be easier to rationalize their reactions than study themselves. However,
development does not only need discomfort, but also the desire to see oneself accurately.
Why is this important for men? I see that most negative actions (e.g., substance abuse, porn
addiction, anger issues, avoidance/withdrawal) function automatically. A trigger occurs. A
familiar feeling emerges. Old habits follow. Metacognition breaks that series of events. It
generates a small but potent space between stimulation and reaction. In that space, a man gains
choices. With numerous selections, his life starts to alter. Viktor Frankl wrote one of the most
frequently quoted lines in psychology: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that
space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
Let’s return to the Highest Form of Intelligence. The smartest guy in the room isn’t always the
individual with the greatest IQ. He may be the man who can declare:
- I am aware of what I’m experiencing.”
- I recognize the belief behind this reaction.”
- This pattern is outdated.”
- I do not have to follow it.”
He isn’t merely acquiring knowledge. He is transforming himself. One last consideration on this
subject for now. Most men spend years trying to control the world around them. Growth begins
when a man learns to observe the world within him. When he can pause and ask, ‘What is
happening inside me right now? He is no longer caught in the same story. He has started to
rewrite it.
